Ohhhhhhhh

Report by Xavier Wiggins

Oh, My Giddy Aunt. If Danish brewers did 1st v 2nd in East Berks Level 3 clashes, it would look a bit like this.
Having gone down 4-3 in the away fixture to a killer blow 7 minutes into injury time, this game would tell us a lot about the Colts’ progress since.

We felt that they had a couple of strong midfielders and two brutes at the back. We needed to give them something different to think about so went 451 with the prolific Jacob out of the customary front two and on to the left wing. For Jacob on the Colts left, think Salah but on the opposite flank and, frankly, a little bit better.

It is decisions like this that can convince dishevelled and mildly obsessive Gaffers that they actually know what they are doing. That is a dangerous look. Before long, they start turning up at games with full shell suits, boots, magnetic boards, note pads and rolled down socks. They sign emails as “The Gaffer” and comment artificially loudly on televised football in the pub. Worse than that, they begin to wear the same clobber to bed, changing only for weddings and court, and come up with more hand movements than Andre Previn and with more verbosity than Piers Morgan. In the most severe cases they can end up changing their name to David Icke and refusing to wear anything but flammable turquoise garments.

It is a slippery slope.

I do question whether The Priory has ever welcomed guests from the management echelons of Hampton and Richmond Under 14s. Sex addicts end of the corridor turn left. Gamblers to the right. Alcoholics next door down. Manager/Coaches way above their station to the heavily padded room beyond the library. If it hasn’t already, it won’t be long.

I can picture the opening interview:

“What do you wear for matches”?

“15 year old Reebok Classics with a whole in each toe”
“Why”?
“In case the lucky pants don’t work”
“Do you have a nickname”?
“Clough and Taylor”
“How long do you spend discussing tactics on What’s App each week”?
“17 hours”
“Has this obsession ever cost you relationships, or your job”
“Regularly”
“What is your most frequent dream”?
“Playing a 4213 on a drizzly day in Raynes Park and winning with a deflection off the left back’s snood”
“Take away his laces and no sharp objects”.

A 9-1 win. I mean, seriously. Our new left winger, Jacob, with 4 and the lone striker, Adam, with 5. Quite extraordinary. The shape and energy left Hawley discombobulated and chasing shadows.

The portents, however, hadn’t been good. Francis, the goalkeeper, was missing his first game for two and a half years with a broken finger sustained in a school game. However, his replacement, Ed, put in a performance to be proud of that typified the spirit of this Colts side. Our earlier than usual kick off had also flummoxed a couple of our boys and parents. Not quite the intention!

We flooded the midfield and restricted Hawley Raiders, who had lost just two up to yesterday, to pot shots from distance. Even their goal was a penalty.

Now, I’m not bitter but the 42nd minute goal for Hawley on their patch in a game with no injuries took a while to recover from. If the word “revenge” can be used in kids’ football, it certainly seemed to be on the minds of our boys.

Sunday Captain, Freddie, in attendance to lend his support to the Colts summed it up. “Colts wanted it more”.

It needs no more words. Simply awesome. We thought 2nd might be our level. Dare we dream of 1st? Only if David Icke says so.